The Vahoo Info Connector

For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination.

Depending on the severity, duration, and nature of the abuse, there are three forms of effective closure.

Conceptual Closure

This most common variant involves a frank dissection of the abusive relationship. The parties meet to analyze what went wrong, to allocate blame and guilt, to derive lessons, and to part ways cathartically cleansed. In such an exchange, a compassionate offender (quite the oxymoron, admittedly) offers his prey the chance to rid herself of cumulating resentment.

He also disabuses her of the notion that she, in any way, was guilty or responsible for her maltreatment, that it was all her fault, that she deserved to be punished, and that she could have saved the relationship (malignant optimism). With this burden gone, the victim is ready to resume her life and to seek companionship and love elsewhere.

Retributive Closure

When the abuse has been “gratuitous” (sadistic), repeated, and protracted, conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution is called for, an element of vengeance, of restorative justice and a restored balance. Recuperation hinges on punishing the delinquent and merciless party. The penal intervention of the Law is often therapeutic to the abused.

Regrettably, the victim’s understandable emotions often lead to abusive (and illegal) acts. Many of the tormented stalk their erstwhile abusers and take the law into their own hands. Abuse tends to breed abuse all around, in both prey and predator.

Dissociative Closure

Absent the other two forms of closure, victims of egregious and prolonged mistreatment tend to repress their painful memories. In extremis, they dissociate. The Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - formerly known as “Multiple Personality Disorder” - is thought to be such a reaction. The harrowing experiences are “sliced off”, tucked away, and attributed to “another personality”.

Sometimes, the victim “assimilates” his or her tormentor, and even openly and consciously identifies with him. This is the narcissistic defence. In his own anguished mind, the victim becomes omnipotent and, therefore, invulnerable. He or she develops a False Self. The True Self is, thus, shielded from further harm and injury.

According to psychodynamic theories of psychopathology, repressed content rendered unconscious is the cause of all manner of mental health disorders. The victim thus pays a hefty price for avoiding and evading his or her predicament.

Sam Vaknin ( samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Visit Sam’s Web site at samvak.tripod.com

Knowing What To Do In Divorce

Knowing what to do when you are faced with a divorce is often hard to figure out. But, you can and you will get through it. First, you need a qualified divorce attorney. A divorce is a messy thing and you will want someone knowledgeable to help you figure it out. Then, you need to decide on some very important situations. It can not be stressed enough the importance of having a level head and not pursuing those angry feelings. Things like money and property will have to be divided within the divorce. But, your children will also need to know that you and your partner have the best intentions for them as well even though you are facing this divorce.

The statistics are high in this country for divorce. If you are one of those individuals searching for answers on how to make it through your divorce, you can find answers and divorce attorneys through many resources. Some of them are: your local yellow pages, online, through a person whom you may know who has gone through a divorce.

Although divorce is a huge change and challenge within your life, it will be comforting to know that there are divorce attorney’s willing to take some of the burden off you. Your divorce does not have to be hard and messy. Instead, divorce can be a beginning to the rest of your life.

If you feel that you have been the victim of personal injury, then you have to take the first step and find a qualified personal injury attorney to help you. Then, take the time to learn about the personal injury itself. Knowledge is always powerful and there is no exception when it comes to personal injury.

S A Baker is staff writer at http://www.thesmartattorneys.com

What is the Get?

The Get is the Jewish form of divorce. The husband and wife must co-operate in obtaining the Get. If a spouse does not co-operate then whilst he/she may have obtained a civil divorce, by decree absolute, the couple will not be considered divorced within the Jewish religion.

Where possible the religious divorce should be dealt with within the same timeframe as the civil proceedings.

My husband says that he will issue a civil divorce based on adultery - does that matter?

Yes. This will have a significant impact on you and your new partner (if named in the petition).

The reason for this is that if a married woman commits adultery before she has her Get, she and that man will never be able to marry each other in a religious ceremony. The civil divorce petition will provide evidence of a sexual relationship before divorce and as a result preclude the couple from a religious marriage.

If the couple choose to have children, within the Jewish religion, they will be considered illegitimate. Consequently, this could result in their exclusion, to a certain extent, from their religious community.

My wife will only obtain the Get if I agree to her financial demands-what can I do?

It is not unheard of for one party to try and use the Get as a tool with which to make unreasonable financial demands of the other. Until recently, there was little that the legal system could do to help a person who is being denied a Get or pressurised because of it. However, recent changes in the law go some way to avoid an abuse of the religious process for divorce as against the civil one.

What to do?

If one spouse does not co-operate with the other, a new piece of legislation called the Divorce (Religious Marriages) Act 2002 can be invoked to facilitate the Get. The 2002 Act therefore assists Jewish spouses to obtain a Get (and also other religious usages where the co-operation of a spouse is required in order to obtain a religious divorce).

The 2002 Act amends an existing piece of legislation called the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 by inserting a new section 10A. This section gives the court the discretion to delay the making of the decree absolute until the husband and wife have first obtained the Get. The court will make such an order where it is ’satisfied that in all the circumstances of the case it is just and reasonable to do so.’

The application will be prepared by your solicitor and submitted once the decree of divorce has been granted. The application is supported by an affidavit, which sets out the grounds on which the application seeks the order.

If the application is successful the court process is effectively suspended until such time as the parties have obtained their Get. The decree absolute will be granted if satisfactory evidence is placed before the court, which should be in the form of a declaration with the necessary certificate. The declaration confirms that the Get has been obtained and the certificate, which has been, issued by the ‘relevant religious authority’ corroborates that fact.

Finally, for the husband and wife who are divorcing and who are halachically Jewish, in order to ensure that the Get is recognised throughout the Jewish world it must be obtained from an Orthodox Beth Din.

Tracey Dargan practices family law with Curry Popeck, a firm of London solicitors.

In cyberspace - there is an abundance of advice for online dating - for both women and men. Here are 4 steps that will aid you out on your first date.

First Step:

Don’t act (pretend) to impress. Be yourself! You’re going to lose her interest if she has to center on your act or attitude. Try to pretend that she is just a acquaintance and you aren’t trying to win her over, and perhaps you’ll be comfortable enough to more easily be yourself.

2nd Tip:

Remember! 1st impressions definitely matter. Make sure she doesn’t think you will be a boring partner. Don’t talk too much - and try to balance the conversation. Don’t just say yes or no to her inquiries, but you also do not want to state your biography either. If you only talk about yourself, then you will sound extremely vain and uninteresting!

Step Three -

You need to look confident on your first singles date. You need to make her feel like you are wise and fascinating. When you speak, you need to sound capable, but not conceited. Don’t make her not like you before she comes to experience you! You don’t want to make your first date, your last date!

For my last point of advice - you need to have fun with dating online! Try and forget your jitteriness, and worries. Imagine like your not even on a date - but instead, merely hanging out with your friend. Hopefully your first date will be a unforgettable one.